Grief is whack

Grief is so weird.

Once it had become common knowledge my grandpa was nearing the end of his life, I had tried to picture in my head how I would cope when that day would arise at some point. I am not the type of person to be able to put myself in situations via my imagination and know how I would feel, although I would like to think I am. When I thought about the moment I would find out he passed I imagined myself bursting into tears and probably having some sort of anxiety attack knowing me. I have never lost someone so close to me in my life, so I assumed that is the natural reaction.

When the unfortunate moment came that I received a call from my mom telling me he was now in heaven, I went mentally numb. I physically could not process the news. Even now still thinking about the fact he is gone does not feel real. I don't know why that is. I can’t tell if I am subconsciously suppressing it because my brain knows I cannot handle this right now, or if this is how my body chooses to cope with grief. I cried for weeks leading up to the point of him leaving us, but the second it was real I felt completely numb and still do.

I know many people, every single day lose loved ones, and I imagine someone possibly reading this can relate to what I am saying. I was talking to my family all individually and noticed something. Every single person was coping and grieving differently. Then I thought about my friends who have gone through a loss before and realized they also all acted differently. It made me think, there is no “normal reaction” to a death. Just because you might not burst into tears like you see in the movies does not mean you're not sad. Just because your way of not letting grief consume you is by going out with your friends doesn't mean you didn't care, and lastly the one I relate to most, just because you do not talk about it does not mean it is not on your mind.

Society has given a stigma for everything but then again society is f*cked and I like to ignore what most people say anyway. So ya this is my spiel for the night because holy sh*t this is hard. Knowing you will never hug them, smell them, laugh with them, and hear their voice ever again makes my stomach do 500 flips. Will the numbness go away once the realization sets in my grampa is really gone? I have no idea. But until then I'm going to keep coping the way my body is telling me too.