Feeling Too Deeply

Feeling things so deeply it consumes you has been such a downfall of mine since I can remember. As of 3 years ago I stopped. Not a continuous choice but after letting it derail my mentality so many times it's almost like my brain did it on its own and decided to go numb. My friends from home can attest to this but ever since starting college I have changed so much, and I don't mean the natural change that occurs when you leave home and you are fully submerged in a new environment; I mean my naive, trusting, open book self is gone. If not gone, deeply hidden somewhere within me. Do I think this is a bad thing, my new way of going about life? No, but I also have such a longing for the old Emma I see in pictures or videos. Thinking everyone I came in contact with loved the same, cared the same, had the same intentions, and overall would handle me with care just like I would with them. But the cold truth is, they don’t at all and at the end of the day you really only have yourself to look out for. I think having so many life changing experiences thrown at you within only a couple years of time makes for someone to have multiple guards up.

As of recently I started to notice myself going on self care drives again while I open all the windows even though it may be 40 degrees out and I BLAST my nostalgia playlist, I find myself going to the farm again to reconnect with nature and my childhood, I find myself taking ballet again to get back in touch with myself and my core, I find myself writing in my journal every night pouring out the entirety of my soul because that's the only place I feel safe enough to be my raw self. I think I am finding the balance of being completely numb where I am confused and lost with my own feelings and feeling things so deeply that I cannot function.

This is all a part of healing from something long ago, and it really goes to show how long the process really is. Take your time on your own healing journey but remember in the process to be a decent human, because while being numb protects you, it does not protect those around you and can do some real damage. Some late night thoughts :)